.in the light.

It has been three weeks ago today that my husband sat me down & confessed that he has been having an affair with another woman. Almost thirteen years ago Ben & I were married! When I married Ben my prayer & my vow was to stay married forever, no matter what came our way. I come from a divorced home & in my family line,  there are many divorces & re-marriages. My heart & my prayer was to break that “history of divorce” , in my family line, and stay married forever!!! Let me tell you, it hasn’t always been easy staying together, but for one reason or another, Ben & I have worked through whatever has come our way out & have continued to stay married!  We have three beautiful children together & we love them more than anything! They have been amazing & so resilient to all of the trials & transitions that have come our way. Aren’t kids amazing?? AHH!! Just to look into their eyes!!!

About four years ago we lost our construction business!! We were living in the Bay Area at the time & with losing everything we felt like moving up to Redding would be the best choice for our family! Ben would commute back & forth, doing re-modeling work, until he found work up in Redding.  After about a year of commuting, he was asked if he would like to be interviewed for a 1st Year School of Ministry position at Bethel Church. We were extatic! It was a bit scary stepping into another career change, but it felt right & so we went for it!!!  I have always been a stay at home mom, but in taking this job, it meant that I needed to find work & that’s when I stepped into being a photographer!!! Our family has transitioned pretty well, going from a full time mommy to a full time photographer! There is always balance & learning to find it, but overall I would say it’s been fairly smooth…

Did this affair come as a shock to me? No. About six months ago I felt that this woman had a connection with my husband & it didn’t feel right. I confronted Ben about it & for one reason or another he convinced me that it was nothing & life went on.  The feeling kept getting stronger & I kept trying to convince Ben that something was off & again, wasn’t heard & just kept it in. Ben has made some really poor choices. The affair happened two months ago, three different times. Ben & this woman did not have sexual intercourse, but stepped over the line sexually & intimately. He has confessed everything, has taken full ownership & responsibility & has brought it all to the table!  He, with me by his side, have stood in front of many people & have asked forgiveness & mercy. It has been three of the hardest weeks of my life. Ben had a responsibility to protect me, his kids, this woman, and he failed. She had a responsibility to protect my family, and she failed me & my children. Ben has been living a lie, living in fear, and living guarded. He hasn’t been living in the light. None of us are perfect. Each of us have our struggles & are trying to make the best of life & to do the best that we can. I feel very sorry for him. The pain that he has caused me, my kids, family, & the Bethel community are beyond words.  I also feel very sorry for this woman. She is a gifted, and talented person. This road cannot be easy for her, and I often question her actions, but I cannot go there to much! To allow someone to have power over me & my family is only harming us more. All I can do right now is pray for her.

A lot of people were & are very hurt & disappointed by their choices, and honestly, I am sure this wasn’t intentionally their heart & what they wanted. I have to forgive. I chose to forgive. If I don’t forgive, I will be come angry & bitter. I don’t want to have that power over me. I feel like it is very important for me to live & walk this out with Benjamin, and with my children. They are watching every step of this journey, and I want them to see the freedom in living in the light!!!  Right now, all I can do is forgive and move on. Reconciliation is the road that we are chosing! It is my heart! It is my cry. It’s going to be a hard road. So many pieces of me & who I am have been violated & taken.

I feel like I have opened myself up to the world in sharing the process of re-connecting with a man who has broken a covenant with me, but to put it in the light is so freeing.  As far as Ben & what is going to happen–Ben will remain at Bethel, however, he has stepped down from leadership & has started a healing journey. As far as the kids–Ben told them what happened & they are hurting, however, are learning to process, to have power, and to be free!!! We are loving them every step of the way & have set up people to surround them with love!!! They are incredible kids!!!! They are very aware of the actions that both their daddy & their friend did to them & are learning how to forgive!!!!  Ben & I are getting counseling from incredible people & have joined a love after marriage workshop.

I will continue to live in the light with you! I need your support! I need you to stand by me in this journey! Thank you for hearing my side, my heart, and my process!!!

—-finding light—-

This picture has been an escape for me! I took it a few days after the @%$ hit the fan!! It was for me, from heaven!